I was born into a loving family, and for someone in the outside, my family looks pretty perfect and happy. But I never really belonged, or do belong with them, I’m always on the outside, and I always feel alone no matter how many people are around me. At around age 12-13 I started having problems with my eating. I developed anorexia and builemia in many forms during ages 12-15. I still today, have many ED habits. Throughout these times I have also suffered major depression, dysthymia, bi-polar disorder, cyclothymia, and slight seasonal affective disorder.
I have no real explanation for my depression, and all these problems, as I know many people, and have met many people who have suffered in the same ways, but have suffered with loss, abuse and many other things, however, the worst thing with me is that I have everything I could need, I have a “perfect” life set out for me, but it’s like it’s never good enough. It’s like I just can’t be happy no matter what I have, or what I can have.
In the past few years, I met someone who changed my life. My boyfriend of 14 months, has really made me the happiest person I have been in who knows how long. He is the most perfect boy, and makes every other boy who has previously been in my life look like an absolute cunt. He brightens my day no matter how dark, no matter the thoughts I have, he tries to understand and helps me. I can tell him everything, littereally everything, and even though he has more reasons to be depressed than I do, he is strong for me, and never looks at me like I’m crazy, pathetic, or looking for attention. I beleive that he was sent to me for a reason to make me better, and he has done exactly that. I love you ashley.
Girls and boys, I know it seems hard, I know that you feel like you don’t want to live. Trust me I’ve been there. I’ve been holding that knife, slicing that skin, just waiting for it all to end. I’ve been swolowing pill after pill, hoping that it kills the darkness. I’ve screamed, I’ve cried so hard I’ve thrown up, I’ve ran until I passed out. I’ve drank, smoked, hoping that somehow, I would die.
But after all that, I’ve realised it gets better. And no matter how dark, or how worthless, I could be better.
Somedays i’m not better, somedays I feel like dying again, but then I just think of how I got through the worst suffering, and that it can only get better from here.
You are amazing.
You are worth it.
And you will find that person who changes your life, and who saves you from yourself.
Good luck and stay strong, thanks for reading.